And it really and truly, percent is completely ok. Not the way we were doing it.
This was no rash decision. What is so, so good in this very moment is that our love is intact.
Our like is intact. Our togetherness and life-doing is still intact.
And so am I. We each turned to what we have always been looking for. I enrolled in school and picked up a job and he is immersing himself in our home remodel and exploring male relationships with a freedom he longed for for… ever. And at the end of the day, I sit on his bed and we laugh and hug and I go up to my room and relish in the quiet of my own freedom.
I will not preach against Mixed Orientation Marriages. No one can tell Gay bear turns straighty and takes his dick that we made a mistake or that no one should embark on such a fruitless cause. Because nothing about what we did was a mistake and the fruit it bore was beyond sweet.
Pain can always beget growth if used for that purpose. I choose this now. I choose to love him and whomever he chooses. I choose to feel joy in the beautiful space God has created for me. I still live in a beautiful with my precious children and their dad, in the town they know.
I choose to love my little retail job and the kids I work with and I choose to look forward with great anticipation to my future in whatever field I land in. They know their dad is gay, which has opened doors for their friends at school to be candid with them about their sexuality.
I can think of no greater blessing from this than to be a safe spot for a gay kid who is unsupported in their own home. We are loved and supported in every way. My love and heart are with each of you who have walked this path with us. I keep feeling the Spirit the Holy one… nudging me to write. Like, in a BIG way. Thus, every moment is an exercise in learning to surrender to that greatness.
Because that is so scary. I have to learn it, ever. I have so much takes his say but my voice is so very, very flawed. So here I am listing all of the reasons NOT to do what I
turns straighty and that third god is telling me to do instead Gay bear practicing what he has been teaching me to do.
Ambitions, proclivities, fears, all dead. We all have a story. And God placed a lot of talented story tellers on this earth. I definitely have a story, but am definitely not a storyteller so why would He call me to be one? So let me just say this: I, in this case is HE, being Jesus Christ.
Well, a self-control problem in general. I am definitely captive to that. But He has walked with me through that. But I want to let go of petting my sins, hand them to Him and take the hand of deliverance that He is offering me. We have experienced a miracle this summer.
Small m miracle to most, but definitely a noteworthy moment in our blip on the timeline. A change of heart. My heart has begun to believe and to trust.
It has begun to shed the years of anger and fear and self-preservation and retribution. That my husband is gay and cheated a lot is feeling less and less important.
It never really served anyone as a shield anyway. When I was young, I never felt very good, physically or emotionally. It was hard to be taken seriously as I was pretty dramatic even in the smallest things.
I learned that in order to get what I needed, or thought I needed, I would have to convince those around me of the seriousness of my condition. Even better if they were watching tv and I could slowly walk past and heave a rather weighty and well-timed sigh.
At 21 I served a mission to San Diego. I thought that all that I had and knew was more than enough to make me into a powerhouse missionary who could light up any room, change lives by her word, and bring multitudes of sorrowful souls to the Lord of All. Every day was a mountain. I obeyed to the letter- except for my lunch-hour and driving to La Jolla and Old Town naps- prayed like crazy, read everything I could get my hands on, and threw myself into the work.
But it never fit. It was like walking miles too-small shoes all day, every day. I doubted what I was teaching. It made no sense to me that God would create so many millions of souls, and require them all to accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ as-told-through Joseph Smith or they were shut out of the Gay bear turns straighty and takes his dick glory forever.
Especially when so very few of those souls had any desire to even talk about Jesus Christ, let alone Joseph Smith. Though telling the First Vision was a deeply moving experience, I found myself embarrassed when we would tell it to someone who remained doubtful. I hated inviting people to church, knowing that attendance and membership was hard, requiring more faith than most likely they, because even I lacked it had.
That church was not as shiny as the doctrine.
It weighed on me to the point of suffocation. That beautiful Gospel that I thought I loved became a noose around my neck. And I had to get free. After less than three months, I packed my bags, called the airline and booked a ticket home. It was only at the insistence of my companion that we tell the mission president of my plans.